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Author: nicperry11 Subject: Need Advice - FAST PLEASE
trishlf
Newbie


Posts: 3
Registered: 02-23-2011
Location:

posted on 02-23-2011 at 07:25 Reply With Quote Report Post to Moderator
Need Advice - FAST PLEASE

I have been married to my husband for 4 years. We dated for 4 years before we got married. I was 24 when we met and he was 33, and just coming out of a divorce (with child) himself. We both loved to go out and have fun (probably too much fun) and so this was a common interest for us.

After a couple months of dating he stopped visiting his daughter. Though I would bring it up all the time and try to motivate him to see her, he wouldn't. He would blame his ex-wife for doing something to him. I decided to let it go, thinking that he would eventually see that he needed to see his daughter no matter what was going on with his ex. 8 years later and he has not seen her once.

I never wanted children, and he never did either. Now, I'm 33 and would like a family. We've talked about it in the past and I have posed the question to him, "what if I change my mind?" He would comment that it would be a "deal breaker". I have not told him yet about me wanting children, mostly because it hit me almost overnight that I wanted children.

When I met him he worked tow jobs as a bartender. Soon after I met him, he got let go from the one job, but was promoted as manager at the other place so it seemed fine. A year later he was let go from there. Long story short, he has had 3 more jobs since then (4 years) and keeps getting let go. I have been paying the majority of the bills over the past 4 years, and he has had no ambition to find a full time job. He currently works 20-30 hours per week.

I own our house, our car, and whenever we go out or need something, I pay. We need to buy a new car soon, and I know I will have to pay for that since his credit is terrible. Bad debt from previous marriage that he never paid and are now in judgments.

In addition, he is a heavy smoker and still continues to drink almost every night. When I was young, it didn't seem to bother me, but now it does.

Long story short, I am fed up. I have conveyed my feelings of his inadequacy for over a year. Nothing ever changed. I finally gave him an ultimatum 1 week ago. He must get a job, stop drinking, try to quit smoking and seek therapy. I gave him until April 15th to do so.

I am so angry at him for what he has done to me that I am starting to resent him. I love him as a person, as a friend, but he has sucked me dry of every emotion that I had towards him.

Am I wrong to want a divorce come April 15th even if he does do all the things in the ultimatum that I gave him? I feel like I have no more love, emotions, or soul to give him.

Please help!
View User's Profile E-Mail User View All Replies By trishlf (only searches replies by default, for topics please run another search) U2U Member
Pool_55
Junior Member


Posts: 17
Registered: 04-29-2010
Location:

posted on 03-02-2011 at 10:36 Reply With Quote Report Post to Moderator
You are not wrong

I do not think you are in the wrong at all here. The problems with your relationship obviously revolve around your husband and his issues with working, drinking, and wanting a family.

To be honest and maybe a bit blunt, I think that your relationship with him was bound to end the moment you realized you want kids. I know that him not having a job and drinking every day are serious problems, but those are obviously issues that can be changed. Wanting kids, however, is something that you can't force anyone to do. You saw it with yourself - it was randomly there, that feeling that you really want kids of your own.

You can't force your husband to feel that way, even if you give him an ultimatum and tell him a deadline. Even if he gets a full time job, quits smoking and quits drinking, that will not change the fact that he does not want a family, and you do. If he has really not seen his own daughter in 8 whole years, than you can be pretty sure that he will not change when it comes to not wanting more kids.

I'm sorry to hear this problem you are going through but it's important to make the hard decisions that will improve your life. I'm sure most people would be able to relate with your feelings here. I wish you the best of luck!
View User's Profile E-Mail User View All Replies By Pool_55 (only searches replies by default, for topics please run another search) U2U Member
trishlf
Newbie


Posts: 3
Registered: 02-23-2011
Location:

posted on 03-02-2011 at 15:23 Reply With Quote Report Post to Moderator
Re: You are not wrong

While I wanted advice, I know in my heart that I need to walk away from this relationship. Thank you for your response, it reassures me that I'm not crazy. Actually, since writing on this site, I've decided to file for divorce. I told him on Saturday and he is in shock, depressed and upset. He offered to change for me and have children, but at that point I told him how I felt about him disowning his daughter and that I don't want that for my children. It hurt to say it, but he needed to know how I felt so that he could fully understand where I'm coming from. It's going to be a long 4 months, however I'm excited to start a new journey in my life.

Thanks again for your response and I wish the best of luck to you!
View User's Profile E-Mail User View All Replies By trishlf (only searches replies by default, for topics please run another search) U2U Member
marky1
Newbie


Posts: 1
Registered: 03-27-2011
Location:

posted on 03-27-2011 at 12:40 Reply With Quote Report Post to Moderator
Advice

When you are going through a divorce it can be difficult to see the light at the end of the tunnel but you will emerge stronger, more independent and ready to face the world. Try not to let your negative emotions consume you and be fair and respectful in negotiations with your ex.
View User's Profile E-Mail User View All Replies By marky1 (only searches replies by default, for topics please run another search) U2U Member
nicperry11
Junior Member


Posts: 13
Registered: 04-10-2011
Location:

posted on 05-30-2011 at 03:47 Reply With Quote Report Post to Moderator
POsitive

Just be positive of the outcome of the situation between you and your wife. And for you to become a better person and to see what you have done wrong in the past will make you stronger.
View User's Profile E-Mail User User's Site View All Replies By nicperry11 (only searches replies by default, for topics please run another search) U2U Member
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