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Author: Darren0 Subject: Seperation or divorce?

Posts: 1
Registered: 04-10-2012

posted on 04-10-2012 at 12:17 Reply With Quote Report Post to Moderator
Seperation or divorce?

I have been married for about 19 months. I got married to my husband pretty young, at 19, I am not 21. While we were engaged my husband went to visit and old girlfriend and cheated on me with her. He ended up getting arrested about 6 months into our marriage becuase his ex said that he 'raped' her. At had not know that he cheated on me with her until after he got arrested and I asked him if he had. I dont believe he actually forced himself on her. When I asked why he cheated on me he said that it was because I stressed him out, recentlly he has changed his story to she took advantage of him. When I asked how that was possible since she is much smaller than him, he said that he went to visit her with a broken zipper and no underware one (all that supposedly happened was a blow job). In the begining I chose to forgive him for cheating on me, we had just barely gotten married and I felt that he was being the best husband he could be and I owed to it God ( I am a christian) to be faithful to my vows. He was in jail for 3 months before we were able to get him out on bail. During this time I moved in with my parents and worked two jobs to pay for the bills that we had. My parents didnt agree with my decision to stay with him, but I continually defended him to my parents and after my husband was able to get out on bail they disowned me and stopped talking to me for about 4 months. Luckily my parents and I have recently made up. My husband has always been less sexual of a person than I am. He would always make excuses to not have sex with me, but than would do something that made it obvious he was lying ( ex: said he was tired but stayed up later than I did). It has always been very difficult for me to try to get him to have sex with me. There were times that I had to get down on my hands and knees and litterally beg him, I did this because I recognize that sex is an essential part of marriage and I thought if I tried hard enough to please him he would like sex and want to have it more often. My husband was sexually abused as a child, and I recognize that there will always be some difficulty for him in that area, but he never sought counseling for this issue, even though I asked him to from the begining of our marriage when it was clear that there was something wrong in our sex life. My husband has not looked at me in a sexual manner, touch me sexual, nor have we had sex for the past 2 months. He is still going through legal issues from the accusation of his ex girlfriend and I understand that there is a certian amount of stress that comes with that. However I dont feel that he cares to change his ways. He will change for awhile after we have a fight, but than as soon as things settle down he goes back to the way he was before. Recently I asked him to go to marriage counseling with me, I was hopeful it would work and we coould save our marriage. The counsler gave him an assignment, which he never did. He also cancled our marriage appt to go to another appt that didnt need to be done but he wanted to do. At this point I was fed up. For the past year I have been trying every way I know how to make this relationship work. I repedatly tell myself I am happy, but I always come back to being unhappy. I have told him a few times that I wanted a seperation but he always convinces me he will change or that its all in my head (this time when I told him I wanted a seperation and that I was unhappy he said he thought I was just being a 'woman' and thats how we actted and that my unhappiness was all in my head). During the week between me asking for the seperation and us seeing the marriage counsler I repeadtly asked him what he thought about us sperating, his reply was nothing. However when we went to see the marriage counseler he said I was running away and that I didnt want to trust him and since I was now 21 I just wanted to go out and F*** other people. I was hurt that he felt this way and didnt share it with me. Than the marriage counseler told me that I should except whatever affection he choses to give me because intamacy is hard for him and that I shouldnt go out with my friends anymore, or if I did that I shouldnt stay over at my friends house I should only have one drink and go home. I am frusterated because I have tired to hard for the past year to make this work and I feel that I am trying way harder than my husband, most of the time I feel that I am the only one trying. And for the counseler to ask me to give up even more than what I already have given up for him seems unfair, especially since I am just supposed to except whatever he decides to throw my way.
I know I want a seperation, however I feel that I just dont have it in me to try any more, and at this point I am so hurt and upset that I am not even sure that I love him as a husband anymore. I care about him and I want whats best for him, and if I was to stay it would only be because I dont want to hurt him. I am wondering if i want the divorce and I am just too scared to say it or if I am just over reacting?
View User's Profile E-Mail User View All Replies By ACBM (only searches replies by default, for topics please run another search) U2U Member

Posts: 2
Registered: 09-15-2012

posted on 09-15-2012 at 10:53 Reply With Quote Report Post to Moderator
19 months

You have been married with this guy for just 19 months and you are already thinking for separation or divorce. This is one of the reason why you have to think twice or thrice before getting married. You are still young if the marriage is not really working take sometime alone give him some time to think over about your marriage, but since you had mentioned that the only reason for you to stay is not to hurt him then you must divorce him since it is clear that the feelings you have for him is not the way it used to be.
View User's Profile E-Mail User View All Replies By jennysimpson (only searches replies by default, for topics please run another search) U2U Member
Junior Member

Posts: 10
Registered: 04-15-2011

posted on 10-23-2012 at 12:30 Reply With Quote Report Post to Moderator
Good response

I agree with the last reply

If you are staying in the relationship just because you do not want to hurt him, you need to end the relationship.

Ending a long-term relationship isn't easy, and if it was there wouldn't be so much heartbreak. But in the end you will both be happier even though right when you tell him it will be hard to deal with. In the long term you will be glad you made the decision. YOu ahve to do what you need to do to be happy yourself.
View User's Profile E-Mail User View All Replies By Darren0 (only searches replies by default, for topics please run another search) U2U Member
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