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Author: Bigrode Subject: How do you leave the perfect marriage?

Posts: 1
Registered: 01-21-2011

posted on 01-22-2011 at 00:25 Reply With Quote Report Post to Moderator
How do you leave the perfect marriage?

I never wanted to get married. In this part of the world it's called an 'arranged' marriage, background checks are done on both sides and then if the parents feel good about it they 'agree'. I had been putting it off by coming across as just a little mad or just unsuitable to the classic role of housewife and was successfully getting rejected by any potential suitors. I know it sounds pathetic but it was a diplomatic way of warding off marriage without letting the atmosphere at home turn into some sort of toxic emotional dump. My dad was so upset that no one wanted me that he left his job to stay at home and get me married! It was a lot of guilt to carry around and unfortunately for me, one guy, my present husband, perfect in every sense of the word (for my parents), agreed. For some reason he didn't fall for any of my ploys and liked me. I didn't like him, I told me parents outright, we fought, and I gave in. The honey moon was terrible, we knew within a day we hated each other. It was sad because we were two perfectly good people completely unsuited to each other. It was also funny because I thought at least by getting married I could get away from my parents. (I don't recommend that to anyone, btw, if you want to get away, just get away). He turned out to be another version of my parents, constantly telling me what to do, always disapproving because I really wasn't suited to the role handed to me. I couldn't wait for him to leave for work every morning. Whatever confidence I had gathered in myself after working for two years was on the wane. I couldn't find a decent job in the new city and thought I'd stay at home for a few months to write a book, a creative endeavour I always wanted to indulge in. He was alright with that because he liked the idea of me being at home, under his thumb. Six months turned into a year, then four. I still didn't want to leave him because I knew it would hurt both his and my parents terribly. We had a child because I was growing older and I thought may be, it would shift his attention to the child and I wouldn't come under so much scrutiny. It became worse, because my parenting skills came into question, whats worse the baby was a difficult one and drained my strength. Childbirth was awful and I found I could not connect with my child at any level. After that, both child and husband behaviour improved. We barely ever talk about anything besides the child, our life revolves around him. I pointed this out to my husband but he thought I'm selfish because I can stay at home and do whatever I want, which is more than what anyone can wish for. I told him several times that this is not how life is supposed to be, he would be better off without me and I on my own, but he'd go into this whole line about how I'm incapable of looking after myself and if I can't don't come crying back to him etc... It 's the sort of marriage my mom would have wanted for herself, a nice apartment a cute kid and enough money. I'm a stay at home mom, something I swore to myself years ago that I would never become, I can't seem to make any major decision in my life without thinking of how it would effect my child, my husband, his family....now I care a crap what my own family thinks. I told my parents after I had the baby how much I hated them for pushing me into this and now I was in even bigger trap, and I finally let them go and don't care about their feelings because they never cared about mine. I figured they didn't care if I was happy, just married and under someone's thumb, doing all the 'right' things. Other than that, we have managed to keep up appearances, our relatives always hold up our marriage as an example to their kids. In fact now after six years our marriage is 'peaceful', we hardly fight, we talk only about practical matters. I still can't relate to to my child. I'm trying to be a good parent, but the kid senses my resentment. I never wanted to do these things and I was well informed enough before I did them, no one held a gun to my head although they did harangue me a lot. I blame it on my lack of self confidence. I want to leave, my child will probably stay with my husbands parents who love him a lot. I will be on my own with little or no money because I'm sure I will be ostracized (divorce is a huge deal in my community). But I feel, in the long run, it's better for me and my husband, he deserves someone better, and I'm tired of relationships being forced on to me. My parents are embarrassed that I don't work and keep begging me to tell them something profitable that I might be doing so they can stop feeling embarrassed when other people ask them about me, that I stay at home and do nothing. It's funny because it's a direct result of the marriage they set up for me.
View User's Profile E-Mail User View All Replies By darr (only searches replies by default, for topics please run another search) U2U Member
Junior Member

Posts: 17
Registered: 04-29-2010

posted on 02-01-2011 at 09:33 Reply With Quote Report Post to Moderator
a good decision

I am really sorry to hear about your situation, but at least you are standing up for yourself now and doing what you need to do.

It's actually more common than you would think for people to live with decisions that were either forced on them or they felt pressured to make. A lot of people settle down because they lack confidence or whatever, and they will regret for years, maybe even their whole life. The difference is between the people who do something about it and the people who just live with it.

Even though I'm sure things have been hard for you, at least you are ready to move on with your life and start doing the things that you need to do for yourself. Can I ask where you live?
View User's Profile E-Mail User View All Replies By Pool_55 (only searches replies by default, for topics please run another search) U2U Member

Posts: 1
Registered: 03-28-2011

posted on 03-28-2011 at 12:01 Reply With Quote Report Post to Moderator
perfect marriage

thanks for being so honest. This helps all of us understand things better and grow.
I am in kind of the same situation. I did not want to be one of the divorced people so i married a good quality christian girl because i was raised in a christian household. I thought this was the proper descision to make for a lifetime partner. Well, she is a great woman and she is a pretty good mother as well, plus she really loves me, but i am constantly thinking about divorce and finding the right person eventually. someone who i actually have something in common with. I am no longer a typical christian. I don't like religion, or church, yet this is the centre of who she is. she has zero desire for the things that make me who i am. so we have nothing in common. our marriage is just duty because i don't want to go through the difficulties of divorce and put my kids through that. basically, i provide her with everything and all i really get is mediocre sex once in a while and a great mother for my kids. so i guess i am lying to her and i do feel terrible for living a lie, but like i said before, i don't want to go through the difficulties. it is much easier to just keep faking it.
We appear to be a perfect couple. she is very beautiful and smart, so most guys would think, "what the hell is he thinking about leaving her" but all i can think about is being single again. in fact i think marriage just ruins good relationships. if i was to go ahead with this, i would want to be single for as long as possible.
has anyone else been here? anyone else been through this and moved on?
Even though this all sounds selfish or self centered, i am exactly not that. It is because i am so giving and thoughtful to others that i have stuck with this and that is why it has been 8 years and 2 kids later. I knew i made a mistake 3 months in, but just put my head down and kept doing my best to make things better, i thought that divorce was not an option, so i kept putting everything into the marriage...and now look at where i am still at. After years of doing this, you begin to resent your partner and you just get worn out and sick of it...and then you feel bad for feeling that, so you put your head down again and work hard at it and then there is another 2 years down the drain, back where i started at. I am confused, does someone have some insight? I am tired of always ending up here.
View User's Profile E-Mail User View All Replies By Bigrode (only searches replies by default, for topics please run another search) U2U Member
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