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Author: nicperry11 Subject: How did you decide?
GolfingLife
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posted on 04-29-2010 at 13:48 Reply With Quote Report Post to Moderator
How did you decide?

I am at the point in my relationship that I do not know if it will last or not and that on its own is unsettling.

I am wondering how other people knew that their marriage was over.......What made you realize that nothing would ever change things and a divorce was the only option?
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fllv1985
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posted on 06-02-2010 at 12:22 Reply With Quote Report Post to Moderator
NOW YOU KNOW!!!!

If everything you try in your relationship is met with hostility and zero effort to make a change. If you are the only one who feels that things are not going the way they should and she/he doesn't aknowledge the changes in your marriage that have become obvious to you. If you feel like you are constantly trying to be met half way but to no avail, you probably should start considering a divorce.
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GolfingLife
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posted on 06-08-2010 at 11:50 Reply With Quote Report Post to Moderator
Thanks...

That is a great point - if you are the only one in the relationship who realizes things have changed for the worse and your partner refuses to acknowledge it, the relationship is definitely headed in the wrong direction.
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amazonjude
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posted on 08-11-2010 at 18:09 Reply With Quote Report Post to Moderator
i knew it was over when:

well its a sure bet when its over when:
1) I felt like a clown most of the time, like i was nothing....
2) when he would not defend me aganst our own employees attack and threats.
3) when he cheated weather emotional or sexual with the same women 4 times in 12 years that i know of...
4) when he would not pay off my student loans so we could have joint accounts after 12 years.
5) when he would call police and tell them i abused him to get me arrested and get a restraining order to keep me out of the family home.
6) when he did this 4 times, each time he was caught cheating....
7) when he would talk shit about me to others and then tell me they were lying.
8) when he never ever picked out a christmas card, birthday card or birthday present for me, i had to buy my own christmases...
9) when i would cry and be upset he would walk out of the room and go on line.
10) when i noticed he was always a victim, its never his fault nothing is....

11) when he threw me and my 14 year old son out in the cold with no money no job, no car, he kept everything so i had to stay at the local mission until a friend helped me get on my feet.
12) when everything is about them, nothing about you, they never ask about your day your dreams your ideals, all they want is a mommy...
if this is not enough then there is no hope for me ... im making my plans now...see my man is 53 years old and im 47 years old and this shit is not supose to be happening after this stage of life, but it does, a cheat and lier will always be a piog and never change... so i just remind myself each day when im gathing a list of our many assets i soon get to start over without all the drama and perhaps heal and find a comfortable love in my life instead of crazyness.... good luck kido be strong and stay with it, dont focus on the good focus on the reality, they are what they are;;;;;;
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GolfingLife
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posted on 08-19-2010 at 11:22 Reply With Quote Report Post to Moderator
thanks

'well its a sure bet when its over when:
1) I felt like a clown most of the time, like i was nothing....
2) when he would not defend me aganst our own employees attack and threats.
3) when he cheated weather emotional or sexual with the same women 4 times in 12 years that i know of...
4) when he would not pay off my student loans so we could have joint accounts after 12 years.
ETC


It sounds like you had a pretty rough relationship, I'm sorry to hear about all of those abusive incidents. I haven't dealt with some of the problems you have, but it helps to put things into perspective, Thank you.
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ronaluv1
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posted on 12-04-2010 at 00:09 Reply With Quote Report Post to Moderator
Reply

I just want to say I have been through some similiar things you have been through, and yes I am looking towards getting a divorce. It does hurt when your own husband dont even ask how your day was and just dont care. We have been married for only four years and I am only 29 and he is 34. In just that short amount of time I have been through some of the stuff you have been through. Some people just dont change and only care about themselves, and they get married for the wrong reasons. I hope that God bless you with someone who truly loves you for you because no one deserves to be treated like yopu have.
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GolfingLife
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posted on 12-07-2010 at 11:43 Reply With Quote Report Post to Moderator
divorce relationships

Yes it is true that people often get married for the wrong reasons and then both people involved are punished.

It sucks because a lot of the time it seems that people who get married for the wrong reasons never realize why they are getting married or why it is a problem, they don't even see there is a problem and just jump in feet first. If people really stepped back and realized that marriage is supposed to be a bond between two people meaning you will take care of each other no matter what, not just yourself, there might be less divorce in the country.

Then once the selfish people are married they feel trapped like they have no option but to just live with it, which is even more selfish than just asking for a divorce.

Everyone is just so selfish and sensitive, it really isn't a surprise that the divorce rates are so high.
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Duymon
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posted on 12-09-2010 at 11:11 Reply With Quote Report Post to Moderator
It was liberating

I Knew it was bad when:

1. I was always put down and told I couldn't do anything
2. I was never enough for my wife. She could never say thank you and leave it like that. It was always "that's great, but....."
3. My wife would never let the littlest of things go. She would bring up a laundry list of all my "mistakes" and use them, every time for a relationship

What triggered me to file was:

4. She wondered out loud what life would've been like had she been with her ex-boyfriend.

With no respect or trust I pretty much told her "I love you and want you to be happy, so I'm letting you go free. Best of luck with your ex"

Our separation started 2 months ago, in 4 months we'll be able to finalize my divorce through Illinois's no-fault divorce.

And for once, I felt alive again for the first time in 3 years
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GolfingLife
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posted on 12-10-2010 at 16:32 Reply With Quote Report Post to Moderator
Sorry, but Congratulations as well....

I am sorry to hear about your separation, but I am very glad to hear you have found a sense of happiness again. You are right to take action when your wife is wondering out loud about things like that. There are a lot of guys who would have simply stuck with the relationship no matter how frustrating or disrespectful/abusive she became. I'm sure it was an insanely difficult decision to make, but now that you have made it I am glad you are feeling good and confident about it.
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Roberto1
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posted on 12-31-2010 at 12:22 Reply With Quote Report Post to Moderator
same boat

We have been in counseling for over a year - been separated for 3 months. My apt. is in the same building so we see each other fairly regularly. My wife has a temper that has made it difficult to address issues. She decided that we should end counseling because she thought the counselor was taking my side. She becomes verbally abusive, breaks things when she gets really upset. When she gets angry I don't feel emotionally safe. I care what she says about me. Her self medicating with marijuana has been an ongoing problem and when I disclosed this to my mother she went off the deep end. I think it makes her paranoid. I talk to others when I can't discuss things with her and she thinks I am painting a picture of her as a bad person. I try and explain to her that I just need someone who can listen to what i'm going through. She isn't interested in being close to my family and friends. One on one, doing what she wants we have a great time, but its a big deal for her to spend time with me doing what I like and/or spending time with other people who are important to me. She complains that I am not emotionally supportive enough - that she hates feeling like she will never live up to my expectations. I love her and I know she loves me - but I can't change her. I want her to be who she is. Because of this I don't think we can share a married life where we feel complete. We are competing rather than cooperating. We have been growing further and further apart. I was married before at 24 and divorced after two years so I have the stigma of having gone through this before. Just the idea of divorce leaves me an with overwhelming feeling of failure. My parents have been married for over 40 years and while they are very different people they make it work. I wish we could but I don't know what more I can do. Every now and again she tells me that she is changing (I'm trying to smoke less, I'll visit your family for the holidays) but its never a permanent thing. She has to do these things for herself and she obviously doesn't want to.
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Jayfro
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posted on 01-18-2011 at 09:33 Reply With Quote Report Post to Moderator
I've heard of this before

I have had a lot of friends who broke up over this kind of thing - the emotional support, tempers, self-medicating, etc. Some of my friends regret it, some of them don't. I'm sure being separated is difficult but it will give you guys an idea of what life will be like if you get a divorce. It could also help you both to calm down, spend a little time apart, and figure out if you can better deal with the issues you are having. It's important that she knows that she can't keep doing these things over and over and expect the relationship to last into the future - and it's important that you help her through it as well, give her the benefit of the doubt sometimes. Either way, don't rush into anything before you are 100% sure.
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nicperry11
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posted on 05-09-2011 at 14:07 Reply With Quote Report Post to Moderator
Feeling

I guess its how the husband and wife feel each other out. A one and only possibility that the two of them feels the same and then comes divorce.
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nicperry11
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posted on 05-30-2011 at 03:52 Reply With Quote Report Post to Moderator
Divorce

I think if the relationship does not work even if the two of you strive hard to continue your relationship, divorce is a good option.
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